It is Valentine's Day, a time which brings much joy -- and much suffering. I'm not sure of the details of the social arc which has brought to the American consciousness that it is unacceptable to be alone on Valentine's Day, but it's doubtless an artifact of the commercialization of the holiday. If you don't get candy and flowers today, then must you be doing something wrong? I argue that this is not so.
In mathematics, there is a concept concerning angles. I have used this analogy in the past in counseling people on the difficulties they were having in their relationships. When the values of two angles add to ninety degrees, the two angles are referred to as complementary. When they add to one-hundred and eighty degrees, they are supplementary. A ninety-degree or right angle is but one quarter of a circle. When contemplating entering a romantic relationship, most people look for qualities in other people which will complete them in some way. And this usually works. A women who is constantly buffeted by her emotions will look for a man who is strong and stable. A man given to excesses will seek a woman who possesses self-control. In many cases, this is enough to bring happiness to their lives.
But the human condition is one of constant evolution. We all evolve at different rates, and those rates can vary greatly over time. A person may exist for years unchanged, then begin a process of accelerating self-realization culminating in a breakthrough. After such an event, that person's life will never be the same. They will see the world through different "eyes," processing life events from a wiser viewpoint. Some people evolve so far that they become right, completing the ninety-degree arc by themselves. On Mazlow's hierarchy, they will have achieved "self-esteem." Then the search for romance will only be fulfilled by finding a mate who has also achieved self-esteem, or a supplementary angle to the life-arc they have completed.
All too often, I have seen folks enter into relationships with other people who are neither complementary nor supplementary, whose life-arcs have not achieved the qualities which will make romantic attachment fulfilling. They convince themselves that they can make the other person better, pull their life-arc to the full measure of completion required. This rarely works. Each of us must proceed through the steps necessary to complete our selves on our own. In rare cases, a more-complete person can inspire an insufficient mate to betterment, but success never comes unless the inspired makes the effort on their own to achieve said betterment. I have seen this but twice in my life, and it has never happened in my own love life. (Yes, I was young once, and made mistakes.)
If you are ever to be able to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. I have included the photo above of Special Agent Dale Cooper because that character consistently demonstrated that he was fully capable of fulfilling his own day-to-day wants. I have often shared a YouTube video where Cooper tells Sheriff Harry Truman the secret of happiness: "Every day, once a day, give yourself a present." It is this simple act of auto-fulfillment which teaches you to love yourself. Once you have embraced the practice, you find that you no longer have need of presents from others. You will no longer spend your Valentine's Day -- or Christmas, or New Year's, or any other holiday or regular day -- feeling alone and unwanted. You are important to you. In fact, you are the most important person in your life. This is a hard fact, and I have covered it extensively in other posts. Once you embrace your own self-importance, you can begin to extend it outward to others in your life. You will become an unmovable rock to which others can cling in rough seas, a serene shelter against any storm. Nothing can shake you, and you will never feel lonely, because others will always come to you for support and stability. And your immense love will fulfill not only your own needs, but also the needs of whomever comes across your path, including your eventual mate.
Of course, in actual practice this is quite a bit more complex, but it's best if you find this out for yourself. In the meantime, practice viewing yourself as a worthy person, an important person, a loving person. Love yourself, and you will love the whole world.
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